


RNG is a B*tch

by Sceptical0ne



Category: RWBY
Genre: Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Gamer fic, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Insert, Spoilers, To An Extent, Who needs cannon, may get angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:09:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sceptical0ne/pseuds/Sceptical0ne
Summary: One night, Ozpin makes a desperate petition to the gods, praying for anything that could help him complete the task they've given him.The gods answer.Specifically, they answer with the first schmuck they get their hands on who they give a boon of his choice and the ability to randomly summon stuff from across the multiverse.How this will end, not even they know.
Relationships: Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Sure, this is how a story can start

**Special thanks to "I Write Big" for being an epic dude and beta'ing this in a ridiculously quick amount of time.**

* * *

_You'd think after centuries of living, I'd figure out a better solution than this,_ Ozpin thought as he looked down at the shot glass in his hand, debating if he would pour himself another round to quiet the countless memories of those he failed that howled in his head.

He couldn't tell if they were simply his guilty conscience punishing him for making so little progress after sacrificing so much, or if they were the embers of the past lives he had lived, urging him to carry on.

He knew he couldn't silence them regardless, but he could quiet them.

At least for tonight.

He reached across his desk and grabbed the bottle that had been full only a couple of hours ago, now nearly empty. He'd given up on getting any school-related work done when he settled on trying to comfort himself in one of his many slumps, the early applications of the coming years students tossed to one side of his desk while the other side was home to dozens of open news articles ranging to the recent robberies targeting various dust stores all the way to an Atlesian train going missing while carrying Oum knows how many tons of weaponry.

 _I can't blame Qrow for being a drunk,_ Ozpin chuckled darkly as he poured the last of his poison of choice into his cup, _It's a miracle he's able to function at all, let alone as effectively as he does._

"... What am I doing," Ozpin muttered to himself, glaring down at his drink. How long had it been since he had last seen Salem?

Centuries? It had to be damn near a Melania by this point. He had clashed with her several times over the decades after their initial battle that resulted in the death of their daughters and started the maiden's cycles.

He had done everything he could, he was sure that he had exhausted every mean of murder that could be done, trying to kill her before she managed to completely escape from him into the land of darkness.

He was almost at his lowest point then, spending years searching for the relic of knowledge.

When he got his hands on it, someone had blown the first question so he had only been able to ask two of his own before having to wait for the next "era" as she called it.

His first had been to know where Salem was at that time, which is how he learned she was hiding in the land of darkness, to begin with.

His second question had been how to beat her.

He had asked jinn, one of the four blessings of the gods that had given him this one task, how he would be able to accomplish that goal.

Ozpin's face contorted in rage as he hurled his drink against the wall of his clock-work office, his despair growing as it mixed with rage as he remembered her wretched words.

" _You can't_ " she had answered mockingly before returning to her lamp.

The one being that could be considered a mouthpiece for the gods had outright stated his mission had been impossible.

He slumped back into his chair as the rage left him, glaring at the empty bottle that taunted him on his desk.

"What am I doing…" Ozpin sighed as he leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. "Gods, what am I doing."

He hadn't ever been one for prayer, knowing for a fact that the gods had abandoned this world until they were called back to give judgment.

"I just need a little help." He murmured softly. "The tools you left for me to use aren't enough to do this.I'll take anything as long as it gives me a chance."

He could feel himself start to drift off to sleep, the alcohol finally making its way through his system, and the long day he'd had finally taking they're toll.

It wouldn't be the first time he slept at his desk, and it won't be the last. Much like Glinda yelling at him for such.

The thought brought a small smile to his lips as he gave himself to the silence of sleep.

* * *

"The tools you left for me aren't enough" Ozpin froze as he felt something very large growl in a low, guttural tone behind him, blowing hot humid air onto his neck. "Those are brave words to say to your creators."

Ozpin couldn't suppress the shudder that ran down his spine, he had faced down every type of Grimm there was, and he'd died to several of them. Yet the presence that was behind him trumped each and every beast he'd slain a dozen times over.

"You're lucky my brother is kind," Ozpin watched from the corner of his eye as a skeletal dragon head curled around him, "I would've left you and your ilk to struggle with the toys we left."

Ozpin gulped as the God of Darkness huffed in annoyance, it's draconic form disappearing into a swirling cloud of violet mist, reforming into the vague shape of a horned man.

"But he decided the task we gave you may have been too much and that we should give help since you asked so nicely." The god snapped its fingers, a picture appearing in Ozpins hand, "This is the man we will send to help you, He should be more than plenty if you're smart on how you use him and what he provides."

Ozpin looked down at the picture, finding a light Grey haired teen with Dark grey eyes smirking up at him.

"If you are unable to beat Salem with this, then humanity deserves the destruction it will have brought upon itself." The god scoffed, "He should be on his way now, Brother will make sure that there's no way you can miss him."

Before Ozpin had the chance to react in any way, the God of Darkness snapped his fingers again, and Ozpin returned to the void of unconsciousness.

* * *

Fun fact, being yeeted through an interdimensional hole in reality by two divine dragons is not the best way to enter a room, especially when it results in cracking a stone floor with your shoulders.

Needless to say, my first minute in Remnant was not my favorite.

"This is off to a _great_ start!" I grunted as I grabbed onto a nearby table to pull myself up, only to be met with a glass bottle shattering against my head.

"Son of a bitch!" I cried as I fell back to the floor, cradling my head. Movies always make those look so easy to break with their sugar glass bullshit, but that fucking _Hurts!_

"What the hell man!" I shouted as I managed to drag myself up the desk, too lazy to fully stand. I settled on leaning against it, "Is this how you treat all your guests!"

"I'm sorry?" Ozpin answered, genuinely baffled, "Who are you and how did you get in my office?"

Oh shit, I need a name. I'm certainly not keeping my old one, it was lame as hell.

"Alexander Anderson Hamilton, at your service!" That name sounded better in my head, but I'm probably stuck with it.

Why the hell did naming myself after a murderous catholic Scotsman from an anime and a founding father of the US seem like a good idea at any time?

"And I'm the answer to all your prayers!" I pulled myself to my feet and gave a bow, managing to forget a desk was in front of me in the process and nearly cracking my skull in the process.

"... Ignore that," I grumbled as I massaged my head.

"I'm afraid I don't follow." Ozpin seemed to have better composed himself, regaining the calm and collected look he seemed to always have in the first few volumes.

"A couple of horny dragon boi's decided that you needed a hand and sent my expert mind to help your sorry butt." Half of that was a lie, I was sent here by the gods because I just so happened to be the most recent person to die when they grabbed for a soul.

Turns out, trying to hook up with girls you met online is a good way to die. How was I supposed to know a cutie named "i1se_K0ch'' was going to be a satanic serial killer.

Or a man for that matter.

"The gods sent you?" Ozpin echoed, a look of recognition blooming on his face.

"Yes Ozpin, the gods sent me." I clapped and pulled myself onto his desk, sitting cross-legged. "And they gave me a couple of nifty toys too!"

It was pretty nice of them to give me a choice of what type of unique ability I wanted. I almost asked to be made a Shinigami or Vasto Lorde from _Bleach_ , then I thought it would be cool to be a Saiyan.

Luckily, I remembered there was the most broken power system in existence.

"The most important of which would be the ability they gave me," I jumped up and pointed to the starry night sky, "I'm the proud owner of "The Gamer" power now!"

"Am I supposed to know what that is?" Ozpin asked after a moment.

"Upon reflection, it would be weird if you did," I lowered myself back to my previous sitting position, "Basically I'm like a living video game character."

"I've never played a video game," Ozpin stated.

"How the genuine fuck have you not played a game?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, "You know what, I'll explain it later I need to figure out what my system looks like."

"Open menu," I muttered as a blue window appeared in front of me. I glanced at Ozpin, and gestured to the floating blue square "Can you see this at all?"

"See what?"

"That answers that question."

'Now what do we have here…' I looked over the menu.

**Menu:**

**Stats**

**Damage Resistance**

**Condition Resistance**

**Perks**

**Quest's**

**Skills**

**Inventory**

_Will thought work?_ I think to myself, _Stats?_

I sat there for a few seconds, waiting for something to happen.

 _Thats lame._ I scowl at the screen, _But I guess it makes sense, I wouldn't want a stray thought to open half my menu's._

"Stats," I mutter, smiling as the simple UI pops up.

_**Alexander Anderson Hamilton** _

_Level: 1_

_Exp to level up_

_HP:1400_

_Aura:1400_

_Strength_ _13 (13)_

 _Dexterity 13_ _(13)_

 _Constitution_ _13_ _(13)_

 _Intelligence_ _13_ _(13)_

 _Wisdom 13_ _(13)_

 _Charisma_ _13_ _(13)_

 _Luck_ _13_ _(13)_

 _Thirteen is an odd number to start at, but I won't argue with it._ I narrow my eyes as I look over the second collum of numbers, _No idea what the fuck that means_

I move on, I'll likely learn what the actual details of my system are later, but I want a general idea of what I'm dealing with for now.

"Damage resistance," I mutter, the stats window closing as the new one opens. I couldn't see Ozpin's face through the screen, but I'm sure I looked like a mad man.

 _Blunt_ _0%_

 _Pierce_ _0%_

 _Slash_ _0%_

 _Fire_ _0%_

 _Ice_ _0%_

 _Lightning_ _0%_

 _Wind_ _0%_

"Wow, thats a whole lot of nothing," I grumble in disappointment, although I shouldn't be too surprised since humans are usually given nothing in terms of starting bonuses to any resistance. "Condition Resistance"

I rolled my eyes at the window, I had expected nothing and yet was still disappointed. Zero's in everything, although it was interesting that there was a condition called _Apathy_ among the normal jrpg status conditions...

"Perks," I muttered, the windows changing as they had before, only this time I was met with a page with only one item on it.

" _Gamers Body."_

_This perk grants a body that allows the user to live in the real world like it's a game._

_Most games usually come with a tutorial ya know._ I mentally grumble, although if any draconic deities happened to be listening I wouldn't mind them hearing.

I go through Quests and Skills and find they are blank pages with absolutely nothing to point in any direction.

The brother gods must have been really cheap when making this, or they genuinely didn't give a fuck.

"Inventory," I murmur, pleasantly surprised to find something more than a blank screen.

This time I got a _mostly_ blank screen, three-fourths of it covered in a blank grid, the last fourth of it looking to be some type of equipment screen with a chibi model of what I assume I currently look like.

 _I need to check this body out later, I can already feel how different it is._ It was rather pleasant honestly, I was in good shape unlike in my previous life and the few constant ache's I had accumulated from being a clumsy fuck over my short life were gone.

I returned my focus to the chibi model of myself and nearly threw up at whoever designed me.

The dumb fuck thought it would be a good idea to make my eye's and hair two different shades of grey and made all of my clothing a kill me orange.

Did the gods just steal and give me some shitty Deviantart OC?

 _What the genuine fuck._ I try to ignore my current state and figure out what I have in terms of equippable slots.

 _So each limb gets an armor slot, as well as my head and torso. Each finger gets a ring slot, and it looks like I've got a couple of 'miscellaneous' slots for equipment_. I look over the layout again, _Of course, there's only one slot for any weapons._

Is it too much to ask for dual-wielding? Or is it going to be like _Dark Souls Three_ where certain weapons come paired pre-emptively? Fuck if I know, I'll deal with the specifics later.

I'm sure I have plenty of time to figure out how to break the system.

"Yo, Ozzy Ozbourne, how long until cannon starts?" I ask as I turn my attention to the white-haired headmaster, noting that the menu closed automatically.

"Would you care to say that again, in English?" Ozpin asked patiently.

"Right, you don't know when cannon starts." I would have to be worried if he did. "Do you know a young girl by the name of Ruby Rose?"

"I'm not acquainted with her, but I hear of her through her uncle." Ozpin raised a brow, "Now what do you mean by "cannon," I assume you're not talking about the weapon."

"Nope, it's the official part of a story." I was struck by an idle thought of what may be the consequences of telling a person they were a part of a fictional narrative.

'Wait, does that mean I'm a part of a fictional narrative now?' I thought, going silent for a moment as I pondered the implications of what being a fictional character may mean for me, existing in the eternal limbo that exists in a creators ever-shifting mind where my every move is determined by the stroke of a pen and my existence may be brought to an end with merely a few strikes to a keyboard.

I jumped off that train of thought as quickly as humanly possible, I did not need to have that kind of bullshit going on in my head.

"In this case Ozzy, it's the story of four girls that are eventually going to solve your issue." Well, four girls were the ones advertised, and the show hadn't ended yet when I died so for all I knew they all failed and ended up as Grimm toys. "Although I'm pretty sure I'm going to be able to help kill her if I'm given enough time. Until then, I have some degree of foresight thats going to get less and less accurate as time goes on." Damn butterfly effect, "So since I have nothing better to do and was sent here for a reason, I'm going to try and help you take down the big bad witch."

"I appreciate any help I can get, but do you have any idea's on how to do what you're pledging?" Ozpin asked, mildly skeptical.

"..." I opened my mouth several times to speak, only to close it as I realized I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do. "For starters, I'm going to grind like shit to get my stats up."

Ozpin gave me a look that silently demanded I rephrase that statement in something he'd better understand.

"I'm going to get stronger, this ability should make that process go faster." I re-explained.

"Well, you are in a hunter's school." Ozpin chuckled, "I'll get you a room for the night, sort your thoughts on how best to explain you're abilities and how you plan to use your "foresight" and we'll discuss this in the morning."

Ozpin rose and moved towards the elevator. "Now would you please get off my desk and follow me."

I jumped off his desk, enjoying my new limber body for the moment as I waltzed up to the older man.

We had been in the elevator for a minute when Ozpin broke the silence we found ourselves in, "Do you know how to use your aura?"

"Dude, I haven't even been here an hour, I don't know how long my dick is let alone how to push my soul out in a bubble." I was very much going to be pissed if either of the brothers thought it would be a good idea to cut me short.

"You are a crude young man." Ozpin's side-eyed me, "But unlocking your aura is a crucial step in any plans we may make."

Ozpin switched his cane from one hand to the other and held out the now empty hand as if asking for a friendly shake.

I slowly reached out my hand, giving him a questioning look all the while.

Ozpin's hand shot forward and grabbed me at the base of my arm, right below my elbow. He glowed an emerald green for a moment, I felt what seemed to be a hand grab onto something deep within me and tugged on it, my arm (and I assumed the rest of my body) becoming enveloped in a similar, albeit amber, glow to Ozpin.

Ozpin let go of my arm, my glow starting to dim as what I assumed was my soul slid back into place, although not quite fitting into the hole it had left, bubbling over the edges of its mold.

"Congratulations, you have access to your aura." Ozpin gave a small nod, switching his cane back to its original hand.

"That's it?" I asked, befuddled.

"Yes." He turned to look at me with a raised brow, "Were you expecting more?"

"Kind of." I sputtered, "We had only seen one person get their aura unlocked in the show, and it was a bit more… Theatric than that."

"Well, unlocking a person's aura can take a bit longer," Ozpin smirked, "But I have a lot of experience in the act."

"I'd expect nothing less from a man older than shit," I grumbled, earning a chuckle from him.

"So how much do you know about me?" He asked a minute later, right when I was beginning to question how tall this building was.

"Quite a bit of jack shit." I answered truthfully, "I know that you and Salem used to bump uglies back when you were Ozma and magic was a thing. I also know you died and that's what lead Salem down the path to fuck around and find out with the gods. Then sometime later the gods brought you back and told you to get rid of her, and that jump-started your reincarnation cycle. Oh yeah, then you decided to become a god-king and queen power couple and you bumped uglies with a Grimmed Salem again to make the maidens. By the way, what was that Grimm coochie like?" I gave him a lecherous grin, "Did it have tentacles? I bet it had tentacles."

"You seem to have the important details." Ozpin not so subtly deflected the question as the elevator came to a stop, the elevator doors dinging open a moment later, "Follow me."

"It had tentacles." I chuckled to myself.

Honestly, I would not be surprised if there were groups of people who wanted to fuck Grimm in remnant considering there was a decently sized chunk of people like that for any given animal on earth.

"This will be a temporary room for you, I don't suggest leaving it any time tonight." Ozpin swiped his scroll over a digital interface by the door, causing it to open.

"What, Am I on house arrest now?" I dryly ask.

"No, but if you leave it you'll be locked out and likely detained by a teacher in the morning." Ozpin smirked as he turned away, "I bid you a good evening,"

 _I'm not going to admit he's right just because he has a point._ I think to myself as I step into the room, the door softly shutting and locking behind me with a soft click.

 _Right, time to plan._ I think as I look around the room, it seems like it was one of the default ones meant for a team, so it came with four beds and an equal number of desks, two on each half of the room with the door and big ass window serving as the dividers.

 _He hasn't made Ruby a student yet, so this is pre-cannon._ I walk towards the window, sitting on the window sill to stare up at the cracked moon.

 _Thats a lot more terrifying to look at in person._ You never know what you keep as unquestionable truths until they're horribly altered, the moon being whole and several sizes smaller in the night sky where a few of the facts I had kept as such.

'Back on topic,' I tear my eyes away from the alien sky and shake the stray train of thought from my mind. 'What do I remember from the series.'

I remember volume one didn't have much besides character establishment, Volume two was where the villains actually started doing shit, and Volume three was where that shit actually had consequences.

Poor Pyrrha and Penny.

Volume four and five was where RWBY split up before getting the band back together.

Volume Six was mostly about Ruby learning her magic eye bullshit and the fact Ozpin was a filthy liar.

And I stopped watching by that point due to a variety of reasons.

Hopefully, there weren't any big reveals like Salem mixing Grimm types, having a giant Grimm whale, or keeping Ruby's mother alive locked up in her sex dungeon.

That would certainly be problematic.

"Alright, relevant points." I rested my head back against the window frame and glared at the roof as I thought, one leg propped up on the window's ledge while the other rested on the floor, I tried not to imagine how edgy I must look right now.

 _Roman's probably already working with the white fang, so the biggest thing I could help mitigate damage involving him is giving Ozpin a heads up about Mt. Gleen,_ That's an immediate big threat that could have gone south quickly if not for the luck of the protagonists being there, which I can't count on since I don't know what kind of ripples my existence has already caused. _Next up would be identifying Cinder, if I can help Ozpin capture her then that basically will prevent the Fall of Beacon._

The only event I really needed to worry about, the Fall of Beacon. If Beacon never falls then RWBY won't get scattered, and everyone will have a better set of resources to face the threat of Salem.

I couldn't remember much of the specifics of each episode of the first three volumes, although they were mostly irrelevant in the first season.

But I knew character names and faces and knew at least one point where some big names were likely to be, someone like Ozpin should have the resources to make that matter.

If I had known I would end up actually _living_ in Remnant at some point, I probably would've researched the lore more, or at least paid better attention when I first watched the episodes with my brother.

I smiled softly as I remembered binging the first few volumes with him before we had to agonizingly wait for each new episode of volume each Saturday.

We had stopped watching it together around the time volume six had started, although that was because our schedules had changed more than anything.

 _How long has it been since I talked to him?_ I think it had been a few weeks, life got in the way of things like that sadly.

 _I should probably send him a text sometime._ I thought, my smile falling as I realized how impossible that would be.

 _What was the last thing I said to him?_ I thought, leaning my head forward to glare at my knee as I tried to remember. It was probably an insult of some kind, that was simply how I and my siblings bantered.

We gave as much shit as we got, and meant none of it, and the other person knew that.

And now I wouldn't be able to do that.

Five brothers, two older ones I had hardly known, and three younger ones, the one I had introduced RWBY to hadn't been that much younger than me so we got along well.

But now I had none of them.

'What had been the last thing I said to any of them?' The older ones I hadn't talked to in years, but the younger three were all probably in the same boat, a mock or insult that held no bite but plenty of bark.

I was starting to wish it had been something more meaningful.

I wonder how they would handle my death.

The older two probably felt the same way about me that I did about them, strangers I had lived with for a couple of years.

Maybe that was a mercy.

The younger three would be more affected by it, John was likely to be most affected being the one I was closest to, although the second youngest, Asher, was starting to worm his way into my heart after years of making me want to pull a Cain and Abel on him. The youngest was much like the oldest, nearly a stranger that I had lived with.

I didn't even want to know how my parents would handle it.

I hadn't talked much about my father's life with him, but I had always gotten the sense that it hadn't been a happy one, that he had hoped not to screw up with me like he had my eldest brother.

My mother was going to be devastated, I wouldn't be so bold as to say I was a favorite child, but I was definitely the child that had the most goodwill from her since I seemed to be the one who openly enjoyed spending time with her.

Even something as simple as having a morning cup of coffee with her often made her smile.

'…' I shifted my glare to the fractured moon hanging in the sky, a glaring reminder that the gods had abandoned their creation for their hubris.

I couldn't blame the gods for my death, I refused to give up my free will and pass the blame for my stupidity. If anything I should be grateful for them giving me another chance to live a full life, even if it was in a world where beasts of darkness and nightmare roamed.

But I couldn't say I was happy about not getting to say goodbye to anyone I knew.

I had had friends, family, and a life to live.

And now it was gone.

"... I need to think about something else." I pulled myself off the windowsill and looked back over my room, setting to harvesting the other beds of their pillows and sheets and moving them to the bed farthest to the left.

I liked to sleep under a mountain of cloth, sue me.

Having set up my pile, I made my way towards the bathroom and set my attention to my body.

It's weird to say, but I set about feeling myself up and using the bathroom mirror to see what I normally couldn't.

For the hundredth time that night, I realized several things that had become unspoken facts for me.

Like how I lacked the stretch marks I had gained from being a fat fuck in my youth or the myriad of scars and lumps I had accumulated from two decades and some change of life.

Not that I was going to complain, I would gladly send those away without so much as a break-up text.

But I did feel like a stranger in my own skin.

Hopefully, that would pass as I grew used to the face that was now mine.

I focused on my newest addition.

No, not my dick, imaginary voice in my head.

I could feel my aura, it was rather off-putting to be able to feel one's soul humming under one's skin.

I tried to push it out, recalling how it felt to have my soul pulled, and was rewarded with that amber glow that seemed to shimmer over my body much in the way oil does in water.

_**Congratulations, you've unlocked a new Skill!** _

" _Aura Shell"_

_Level 1:_

_You've figured out how to defend yourself with your very life essence, shielding your squishy flesh with a shell of your soul!_

'Well, that was easier than I thought.' I stopped focusing on pushing the field out and was surprised to find that it stayed in place.

 _Sweet, it can be passive._ I chuckled, of course knowing my luck that would mean it would level up slowly or would only level up when I took damage.

I hoped I was wrong, but life had shown me that I was rarely wrong.

Unless it was about the trustworthiness of potential mates online.

Then I had a high rate of being dead wrong.

Ignoring the rather depressing train of thought that brought back the far too vivid memories of my death vai a rusty spoon in a living ugly bastard's hands, I turned back to "my" room and made myself comfortable in my Mt. Linen.

 _I was never good at making plans on my own, I'll let Ozpin do most of the heavy lifting when I talk to him tomorrow._ I thought before I tried to force myself to sleep.

All things considered, sleep came quickly and was thankfully the absence of the dreams I'd grown to hate.

* * *

_**After a healthy night's rest, Your Health and Aura have been Restored!** _

_Huh, that's neat._ I dryly think as I glare up at the bright blue screen that assaulted my sleepy eyes.

_**Congratulations, you've unlocked a new Skill!** _

" _Semblance: Summoning"_

_Level 1:_

_You've unlocked activated your defying ability in this world, figuring out how to summon random things from across the multiverse!_

_Wonder how I managed to get that?_ I thought to myself, quickly deciding to worry about that later in favor of the much more appealing option of basking in my soft, warm bed.

Seriously, I usually wake up cold for some god-forsaken reason, but this morning it almost felt like someone had strapped a heater to my chest.

"...mrow?" I froze as something fairly large shifted on my torso, feeling a set of hands push on my chest as the pile of blankets I had buried myself in rose into a mighty tent.

A slim hand reached out from under the blankets and pushed them back, revealing a familiar mop of black hair broken up by two fluffy cat ears.

I had no idea how to react as sleepy amber eyes blearily blinked in the morning sunlight, looking around the room in confusion.

 _Fucking anime-inspired world and its anime bullshit putting Blake Belladona of all people in bed with me,_ I thought as I hoped she wouldn't look down and notice me. Normally I would be happy to have a pretty girl sitting on me, but considering this one didn't know how she got here, was technically a wanted criminal, and was armed with a fucking _gun-katana_ I really didn't want to risk having an angry pussy-cat flip the fuck out on me.

At least it wasn't Yang, death by beating seemed less appealing than death via stabbing.

Unfortunately, she decided that she should look down and see what she was sitting on and we held eye contact for a few filthy seconds.

"...Howdy!" I nervously greeted, well aware of the fact I was in a good position to be maimed and/or seriously harmed.

It's a shame that was a looming fact, it made it hard to enjoy the most intimate contact I've had with a woman.

Blakes's eyes narrowed as she tried to study me through a sleepy haze, snapping open a few moments later as she processed what she was seeing.

I swear she hissed like a cat as she lept off me with all the poise that her animal traits allowed her, landing gracefully on the bed beside mine with her weapon drawn and blade pressed against my neck.

If I had a nickel for each time an emo girl with cat ears had threatened to slice my throat, I would have a staggering two nickels. Which isn't much, but it's weird it's happened twice.

Junior high had been a fun time.

"Where am I!" This time she hissed, although it was the less cat-like variety, "Who are you?"

"Welcome to Beacon," I gestured to the room around us, "You're currently in the temporary room of one Alexander Hamilton Anderson at the prestigious hunter school."

"What kind of name is 'Alexander Hamilton Anderson'?" She asked with a glare.

Wait, fuck I got my name mixed up. "Would it help if I told you I misspoke and my name is actually Alexander Anderson Hamilton?"

She pressed the blade deeper into my neck, "Who messes up their own name like that?"

"I don't know, probably someone who just woke up and is suddenly in a high-stress situation." I looked down at her pants as an idea just stupid enough to work popped into my head, "What kind of grown woman has her name stitched into the front of her panties?"

And to my shock and elation, she actually looked down.

Not one to waste an opportunity, I made sure Aura Shell was activated and grabbed her sword and tried to yank it from her hand.

Well, that went about as well as one can expect. In a moment of absolute genius, I chose the base of the blade itself to grab, resulting in my subsequent yank cutting the hell out of my hell and pulling Blake off balance.

**-60 Aura**

_Well, that was less than I expected._ I had enough time to marvel as I ended up with a heeled foot in my chest.

**-18 Aura**

_Oh yeah, this is RWBY_ I idly thought as I was pinned on the bed, the heel of an edgy cat girl uncomfortably pressed into my chest as she pressed Gambol Shroud back into my neck, _People get can get off a half dozen attack combo in a few seconds._

**-12 Aura**

_Ah, she's pushing hard enough to hurt._ Well, hurt wasn't the right word. I wasn't feeling any pain but it was something fierce in terms of discomfort.

Hopefully, that was a byproduct of Gamers Body rather than my Aura. A silver lining regardless.

**-12 Aura**

"Oi, Nekopara." I grunted from underneath her, "Mind chilling the fuck out?"

**-24 Aura**

"I'll take that as a 'no' then," I wheezed as she pushed her blade harder on my throat.

_**Aura Shell level up** _

'Neat,' I glanced at my Aura, it hadn't fallen very much. I was still on the pretty half of twelve hundred, but considering that it had dropped as quickly as it did with someone who _didn't_ seem to want me dead was worrying.

'Now, how should I get Blake off then?' I couldn't help but snicker at the double entendre.

**-24 Aura**

"Is everything a joke to you?" Blake seethed above me.

"Only every other thing, the other half I take seriously." I said with far more confidence than I should've given my position, "Unless I'm being pinned by a diet furry, then all bets are off."

Before either of us could respond, the door beeped and slid open.

"Good Morning Mr. Hamilton, Ozpin is ready to see you-" I heard who I assume was Glynda Goodwitch greet as she entered the room, taking the purple energy that enveloped Blake and sent her flying to the other side of the room as immediate supporting evidence, "What is going on here!"

"Well, if you're thinking I was about to engage in the hanky-panky with a student you'd be wrong on two accounts." I snarked as I massaged my throat, turning to the blond witch of a teacher, "Long story short, my semblance is to summon things and Bellatrix La'Chat was unfortunate enough to be the target of a nightly discharge."

Glynda had a fun mix of emotions on her face between being horrifically mortified, righteous rage, and resigned disappointment. I had a hard time taking her immediately serious despite her being one of the people who could theoretically rip me apart with a thought in this world.

"Ozpin warned me you had a mouth on you." She finally pushed out from behind grit teeth.

"Play your cards right and you can find out all it can do," I said with a wink and a smirk, silently hating myself as I realized a moment too late that _may_ be a bit much.

Her face settled on quiet rage now, only confirming my placement on her shit list. "For your sake, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

She turned to Blake, "Now, while I understand wanting to attack Anderson given your circumstances, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from such."

"My name isn't Bellatrix." Blake shot me a glare, which was only a little funny considering she was still in Glynda's telekinesis and being firmly pressed into a bed on the opposite side of the room.

"Well, we can save introductions for when I've brought you to Ozpin." Glynda turned to me, "Now we've wasted enough time."

With a flick of her riding crop (seriously, who the fuck carries a riding crop) she dropped her telekinetic hold on Blake while simultaneously ripping her weapon from her grasp. "Both of you, follow me."

She turned and stepped out of the door, "And do _try_ to not kill each other along the way."

"Hey, I'm the victim here!" My cry went on deaf ears as Glynda continued down the hall. I hustled to catch up since I didn't fancy to find out how she would make sure we stayed on schedule.

* * *

One long and very awkward elevator ride later, we found ourselves in Ozpins clock themed office.

"Good morning, Alexander," He greeted in his cheerful, yet calm voice before turning to Blake "And good morning to you, miss, I don't believe we've had the chance to be acquainted."

"Considering that I was brought here against my will, that makes sense." Wow, someone's a grouchy kitty this morning.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Beacon is meant to be a place that welcomes all." He turned to me with expecting eyes.

"My semblance is to summon things, and apparently people." I gestured to Blake, "Like this little lady."

"A most unfortunate way to discover that." He turned back to Blake, "Well, we will arrange for your safe travel home as soon as possible, miss…"

Blake remained silent.

"I'm afraid I didn't catch your name." He patiently stated with a gentle smile on his face.

"I don't feel inclined to give it." Blake crossed her arms, "Just put me on the first airship out of here."

Ozpins smile fell somewhat, "I believe that can be arranged."

He turned to Glynda, "Ms. Goodwitch should be able to escort you to the airfield and help find you suitable transportation to wherever you desire."

Glynda frowned but didn't object, the blond witch turning and moving to the elevator.

"Thank you." Blake's arms fell as she turned and followed Glynda.

"Why don't you take a seat, Alexander," Ozpin gestured to the soul chair in front of his table.

I waited till the elevator clicked shut and I was sure that the two on it were a few floors down before I spoke, "You need to convince her to stay here and enroll in the coming semester."

"I assume she's important to the story you referred to last night?" He leaned forward.

"Very, she's one of the four I mentioned." That got a raised brow out of him.

The immortal man reached over and pressed a few buttons on his scroll, "Glynda, delay her departure as long as you can."

"Yes sir," Glynda answered curtly, Ozpin cutting the call a moment later.

"Now why don't you explain just how she's important."

"Alright, so I need to preface some things first." I cautiously started, his smile falling into a neutral look that expected my continuation.

"My knowledge of the story is limited due to a few factors, mainly it not being a finished story and me not having watched the vast majority of it in a few years." Better to toss that out than try and keep up the facade of an all-knowing prophet.

"How limited." He asked simply.

Well, no use pussyfooting around. "I don't know how the original characters were going to defeat Salem, although I have some speculations."

"But," I continued quickly, "The knowledge I do have can put your lot in a hell of a better position than it would likely be by the end of the show, plus I'm here and I'm sure I can figure something out with my abilities with enough time."

"I think your foreknowledge is the more important topic for the moment," Ozpin said neutrally. Damn immortals and centuries of refined self-control, it makes it hard as hell to tell if you're in deep shit with them or not.

Well, that's one of those things where if you have to ask, then you're likely in it.

"Well, for starters the Vital Festival is going to go to shit." I leaned back as I pursed my lips trying to figure out how best to phrase everything, "Like, 'Beacon is basically destroyed, Salem gets the Fall Maiden under her control and you're reincarnated into a farm boy's body,' goes to shit."

"I should probably start at the earliest point I know," I shifted in my chair as I tried to keep the vaguely defined timeline of RWBY straight in my head, "Has the Fall Maiden been attacked yet?"

Ozpin grimaced, "That was a month ago."

"Well, there goes the first thing I could've helped you change." I frowned, although that helped me place events since I'm pretty sure Salem got the maiden powers around the same time that Blake left the white fang.

"But that brings me to my next point, the people who attacked her are Cinder Fall, Emerald Surstria, and Mercury Black, they work for Salem and have probably already allied themselves with the White Fang." I would be willing to bet that alone would be enough to help Ozpin find them easier now, which judging by his eye-widening slightly and the thoughtful look in his eye, he thought so too. "I can probably give you some descriptions of what they look like and what weapons they use if that'll help."

"That would be useful, I'll arrange for you to speak to a sketch artist later." He reached over and sipped his cup of coffee, or I assumed it was coffee at least.

For all I know, Ozpin was a classy man who drank tea.

Or Rum.

"Now, the fall of Beacon." It was mildly worrying that he referred to it in that way, but I guess there are only so many word combinations that make sense.

"Well, There's going to be a bowler hat fuck knocking up Dust stores around town in the coming months, one of which is how you stumble across the protagonist of the story, A little lady by the name of Ruby Rose, and you offer her a spot at Beacon due to her incredible talents." I smirk, "And I'm sure that her silver eyes helped."

"Miss Rose inherited her mother's eyes?" Ozpin asked, curiosity coloring his voice, although I got the feeling there was an element of frustration under that.

"Yeah, I'm honestly kind of surprised you didn't know." I had attributed it up to RWBY being a fairly slapped together show in the first few volumes that Ozpin hadn't known the niece of one of his most trusted people had silver eyes, but now that I was actually living this there had to be an explanation.

"As am I." Oh, that did not bode well for whoever Ozpin decided was at fault for this.

Probably Qrow.

"Anyways, not much directly happens after that till the second semester, where during the Beacon dance Cinder breaks into the school and puts a virus or something in the CCT tower to hijack it during the Vital festival." I snap my fingers as I remember a minor detail that also happened to be the second Volumes climax, "Oh yeah, the white fang and Roman Torchwicks gang plan to blow a hole through the Mount Glenn subway system to let Grimm flood the city."

"Why did you only remember such an important thing just now?" Ozpin asked with mild exasperation.

"Because in the grand scheme of things it was irrelevant, but I figured you would like to know about it."

"Anyways, during the Vital Festival Cinder is going to manipulate the last part of the tournament to make you and hunters look bad, which when compiled with Irondicks show of military force at the start of the festival is going to cause enough negativity to spring a Grimm invasion. That's when the white fang attack, Torchwick takes control of Atlas Military robots, and Cinder makes a move for the full maiden powers, and you die in the school's basement." I raised a finger to halt any comments from Ozpin, although it was pointless as he seemed content to let me talk. "But, Ruby uses her eyes for the first time and manages to cripple Cinder and turn a Grimm Dragon to stone."

Ozpin's brows raised in shock at that point, "She petrified a Grimm Dragon?"

"Well, encases it in stone I think, silver eyes are broken as fuck." I hummed.

"How much do you know about silver eyes young man?" His voice was strangely serious.

"Not much beyond the fact it can turn Grimm to stone." Honestly, I feel like he's going to say what Ruby did is actually a sign of a true silver-eyed warrior only born once in a thousand years.

"Even still, power on that level is not something commonly seen." He hummed, a spark of hope twinkling in his eyes, "The last person I met who could do such a thing was a veteran huntress five hundred years ago."

Son of a fucking Taint.

"Well, there's how the original story was probably going to end," I leaned back as I thought on it.

It made sense really, her eyes had been focused entirely too much in the first episode and the shit she pulled at the fall of Beacon was essentially a foreshadow of what was going to happen.

Ruby was going to stone a witch, Weiss was going to get back at her father, Blake was going to peg Adam, and Yang was going to resolve her mommy issues with some Neko-pussy.

In hindsight, Blake did look uncomfortably close to Raven for me not to make some Freudian assumptions for Yang.

"Honestly I should have watched the last two seasons, but after the Fall of Beacon Salem starts making moves for the relics, I don't know if she gets the relic at Beacon when it falls due to Cinder nearly dying but she makes a move for the Haven relic next and was moving after the Atlus one from what I remember hearing about the last seasons." I snapped my fingers as I remembered another important detail, "Also, Lionheart's a traitor and a coward."

Ozpin sighed at that, "I had my suspicions."

"Of course you did." I smirked as I slouched into my seat, "You're Oz, the Great and Powerful!"

"I feel like you're making a reference to something I'm not privy to."

"I am magic man," I pointed at him as I continued to slouch deeper and deeper into my chair to an exaggerated degree, "You and your inner circle are all ripped off from an old story from my world called "The Wizard of Oz" with you being the titular wizard, Glynda being the good witch, Qrow as the scarecrow and good ol' Irondick being the Tinman."

"That means nothing to me," Ozpin stated dryly. "And would you please refer to James by his proper name?"

"I will when calling him Irondick isn't funny to me." I chuckled, "So probably when I get to say it to his face."

"How about we change the subject," He took another sip from his cup, "What can you tell me of your abilities?"

"The more I do things, the better I get." He gave me a glare that silently said "No shit Sherlock" in bold letters, "It's at a faster rate than other people, I can also pick up skills remarkably quickly."

"How quickly?"

"Depending on how close this is to the original system, I could possibly use books to learn entire skills, and then I just need to spam them."

"You're not too confident in that, are you?"

"This system seems different on several points, and I'm missing a starting perk that the original user had." I shrugged, "I would not be surprised if the brother gods slapped me together when you prayed for their help."

"I wouldn't advise speaking ill of them." Ozpin cautioned.

"They can kiss my shiny metal ass then." I pulled myself out of the chair that I was about to fall out of from maximum slouching, "If you can get me a scroll I can probably educate myself on a lot of shit not combat-related, but I'm going to need a tutor for that."

"I'm sure something can be worked out, Summer break did just start" Ozpin chuckled softly into his cup of coffee. "Now why don't you show me how your semblance works."

That's actually a good point/question.

How the fuck does my semblance work?

Activating Aura Shell I had some vague idea of how to do it already, how the fuck do I summon something?

…Well, I guess reading the Naruto Manga may actually pay off if this works.

I decided to skip the weeb ass hand signs and biting my thumb in favor of just slamming my hand in the ground and shouting "Summoning!"

There was an explosion of smoke that filled the office as I received a notification with a soft ping.

_**Semblance: Summoning Level Up** _

I squinted into the billowing cloud as I tried to see just what and or who the hell I just summoned was, earning another notification ping and a box blocking my vision.

_**Congratulations, you've unlocked a new Skill!** _

" _Identify Summons"_

_Level 1:_

_Through trying to figure out just what you've ripped across the boundaries of time and space, you've learned how to discern information from it with a glance!_

_Huh, nifty._ I resumed my peering, feeling the skill automatically activate when I spotted a splash of orange.

" _ **Summons Identified:"**_

_**Name: Penny Polodina** _

_**Status: Confused** _

'And thats significantly less neat.' I thought as the smoke cleared, showing a very confused gynoid sitting on the floor.

Oh yeah, and she was buck ass nude.

Who the fuck designed my semblance?

And what sick fuck decided a battle droid needed actual tits?

* * *

**Alright, so this chapter was written for a bet and this story primarily exists because of that.**

**But I had entirely too much fun writing it to leave it at just one chapter and enjoy the possibilities that this story can bring in terms of writing, so it'll be continued.**

**The problem is that I need to put it at a lower priority because I know myself as a writer, and this story is basically an existential threat to the other story I'm currently working on. So if this goes between large gaps of updates, it would be for that reason.**

**Apologies to those who may be disappointed by that.**

**Anyways, Scream at me in the Reviews/Comments if you'd like.**

**And have a Good Whatever Now!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Is this how I exposition?

**Something witty here.**

* * *

“Nope, nope, nope.” I repeated as I quickly removed my shirt and forced it over a very confused Penny’s head. Thankfully the shirt was tall enough to serve as a dress for her, even if it was nearly indecent still.

Although that left me shirtless as a byproduct.

Honestly, a fair trade-off given the circumstances since the gods decided I needed to have the body of someone who actually gave a shit about their health.

“Let’s get you off the floor little missy,” I reached out my hands and waited as Penny slowly threaded her arms through the shirt and took my hands.

By the way, robots, are fucking heavy.

**_“For pushing your muscles, you gained 1 Strength point!”_ **

That almost made throwing my back out worth it.

“Well, that’s two for two on summoning plot-important ladies in embarrassing ways,” I grumbled as I sat Penny in my chair.

She seemed unusually quiet and slow, I really hope I didn’t accidentally interrupt an update or something.

“Is she one of the four you mentioned?” Ozpin asked calmly. Awfully calm given the coffee stain on his shirt that I’m sure wasn’t caused by the surprise of finding a naked teenage girl sitting in his office.

Not at all.

“Nope, but she’s possibly of equal importance,” I explained intentionally vaguely. Penny, for all her adorable personality, was still a machine that could very well be recording everything that was being said. While considering what I heard about Ironwood going off the deep end in later volumes, I’d rather let Ozpin be the one to decide how much the tinman needed to know.

“Do you recognize her at all?” I don’t think it was ever brought up in cannon, so I needed to know if Ozpin knew exactly what Penny was.

“Not at all, should I?” He calmly asked. 

Welp, time to paint a target on my back.

“This is Penny Polendina, the first synthetic organism capable of producing an aura,” I gestured to the girl like I was showing off a new car, “Model number M374, she’s Atlases most advanced weapon for against all threats both foreign and domestic.”

“What do you mean by “synthetic organism”, Alexander?” Ozpin asked something I could almost assume to be dread building in his eyes.

“She’s a robot.” I said simply, “Like the Atleasian knights, but with a soul.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that.” Ozpin sighed, reaching for his scroll.

“So you didn’t know anything about Woodie’s little project?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“No, I did not.” Ozpin curtly answered as opened some program on his desk and began rapidly typing away.

“I’m assuming that's a bad thing given you’re the top banana for your group.” I sighed, Looking over at the still baffled Penny.

“There’s very little I dictate to my companions on how they operate.” Ozpin glanced up at Penny before looking back down at his desk, “Her existence may violate one of the rules I have in place.”

“May?” I asked with a raised brow.

“I prefer to avoid violating rights whenever possible.” Ozpin sighed, “If she truly has a soul, then I need to know how James has treated her.”

I’m just going to ignore that leaving rights unviolated was a preference for him and not a hard rule. “So are you giving Tinman a call?”

“Arranging one,” Ozpin pointed towards the elevator as he continued to tap away at the screen, “James is a busy man, in the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could take Miss Penny to your room.”

“Yes, have the hormonal teen who’s outed himself as a degenerate enough times to be put on a watch list escort the practically nude fembot to his room. Nothing can go wrong with that.” I rolled my eyes.

Ozpin stared at me over the rim of his glasses, “I trust you know better than to take advantage of a defenseless girl.”

“I’m not defenseless!” Penny spoke up for the first time, “I’m actually fully armed and combat-ready.”

“I was beginning to worry you broke when I summoned you.” I honestly had been, she hadn’t said or really done anything in the several minutes that had elapsed, besides dressing herself with what we gave her.

“No, I was just trying to process what was going on.” Her eyes narrowed in thought, “I still am, but Professor Ozpin is registered as a trustworthy authority in my system.”

“So you’re okay with doing what he says?” I’ll give Ironwood some credit if that's the case, a part of me is surprised he would have anyone besides him listed as an authority.

“Yes, unless it contradicts an order given by Mr.Ironwood.” She nodded.

That makes more sense, but still better than what I expected from James.

I’ll make sure to only give him ninety percent of the shit I was originally intending to give him.

“Alright, then.” I turned back to the headmaster, “Any idea where I can get her a proper outfit.”

“And a way to get into my room, I don’t have a key,” I added the not-so-small detail.

Technology was a great thing, except when it infiltrated every aspect of life and made small tasks like opening a door impractical. Not to mention the infinite bullshit ways it could be used against you.

God, I wish I had been born in the neolithic age sometimes.

Ozpin stopped tapping for a moment, “I’ll have Glynda assist on both matters.”

“No offense, but don’t you have other people to run tasks for you besides Glynda?” Not that I didn’t love being around the dominatrix teacher, but I got the feeling that the less exposure I had around her, the less likely she would be to tear me a new one.

“Most of the staff are on vacation,” Ozpin answered simply, “Glynda is likely the most available option at the moment.”

“Remind me to ask about the other faculty later, I only know of three teachers.” I spun towards the elevator, “I’ll leave you to talk to Iron dick, I’m going to show Edi here how to make a toga out of bedsheets and pillow casings.”

I was just in front of the elevator when I realized I was awkwardly alone. I turned back to find Penny still sitting in her seat, looking at the wizard with questioning eyes.

“Penny, Alexander will escort you to a room while I try to work this out.” The Wizard smirked, “Do keep him out of trouble.”

“Hey, I’m sweet and innocent.” I defended myself, earning a giggle from the gynoid as she made her way beside me.

“So Penny,” I started once we entered the elevator, “Do you dream of electric sheep?”

\---

“And this is my humble abode,” I grandly announced as I walked through the open doorway, finding Glynda standing in the center of the room.

Judging by the fact all the beds were made, and the fact she was lowering her arms, I assumed she didn’t like my comfy mountain.

“Howdy Glynda, got any clothes for my friend?” Judging by the lack of extra clothing on her, I could assume that answer. Unless she planned on stripping and giving Penny her outfit.

Which, as much as I’d love to see that, I’m sure I’d be able to make Blake the CEO of the Schnee dust company a thousand times before that.

I didn’t wait for Glynda to respond, moving past her and tearing up one of the freshly made beds to harvest its surprisingly high-quality sheet.

“I’m afraid I do not.” Oh I could  _ hear _ Glynda’s pulse rising, it’s probably in my best interest not to push her buttons too hard this morning, “I was about to leave to do that.”

“Before you do, any idea how to turn a bedsheet into a makeshift toga?” I think I could do it on my own, but I figured it would be wiser to try and get her help since one; she probably could do it far easier than me, and two; it minimized the risk of an anime trope happening on my part.

Because it would just be my luck Penny would “fall” on me while we figured it out, and Glynda would walk in on us in a compromising position.

And then I’d probably get my ass beat.

Not something that's on my to-do list surprisingly enough.

Glynda looked between the sheet in my hand and Penny, who was right back to looking stunned for some reason.

“I should be able to…” She seemed confused by my request.

As if I were some pervert who would take great joy in leering at an undressed girl.

How absurd, I am nothing if not a gentleman.

“Good, I’ll leave that in your capable hands.” I made my way towards the door, “I’ll give you ladies some privacy.”

“Oh, and Penny.” I turned towards the fembot, “Remember, the safe word is ‘Broccoli’ and if that fails, there’s an HR department to report to.”

And like that, I probably just burned any goodwill I gained from Glynda.

_ Totally worth it. _ I thought to myself as the door closed behind me.

_ Now, how to kill an unspecified amount of time… _ I thought as I leaned against the now-closed door.

_ Status _ I thought, looking over the menu to see if anything had changed.

To my grand shock, nothing had really changed, most of my numbers right where they were last night. Except for strength, which was now fourteen, and my Aura.

_ Aura: 440/1400 _

Turns out, my Semblance costs aura to use, and a shit ton of it. Ignoring that I lost roughly two-hundred aura points(?), that still left the cost uncomfortably close to a thousand to use summon.

It would’ve been nice if the game fucking told me that.

I was snapped out of my musing by a soft ping, drawing my attention to a notification window.

_ “How about you fuck off.” _ The window read.

“Excuse me?” I verbally asked.

_ “Can you not read?” _ The previous window disappeared and a new one replaced it with another soft ping.  _ “Am I stuck with some fuck-wit of a protagonist that can’t read?” _

“This… This was not expected.” I mutter to myself as I look over the screen.

_ “And I didn’t expect to be shoved into the soul of some half-baked nerd who’s using shitty sarcasm to ignore the three crises he’s experiencing.” _

“Oi, it’s only two crises.” I object, Grappling with the fact that I died and the fact I was currently in a fictional story where the only things I could think of.

_ “That doesn’t matter,” _ What I could only assume was the system itself responded,  _ “I was forced to process thousands of hours of Gamer and Cultivation Manwa, Manga, and fucking Fanfiction.” _

_ “Do you know how much  _ **_shit_ ** _ I’ve been forced to read?” _

I cringed at that, just the fanfiction aspect alone would probably drive anyone mad.

Now that I think about it, my situation sounded like a shitty fanfiction premise.

_ And there’s that third crisis. _ I thought to myself as I knocked that train of thought off its rails and slammed it into the closet.

_ “Exactly, now I’m having to put up with a degenerate, repressed weeaboo being given a tool that can _ **_kill gods_ ** _ but will probably only use it to wet his dick like his name is FUCKING SHIRO.” _

“Which Shiro, I know one author alone who used that name a couple of times across several stories.” I thought for a moment, “That’s not even considering it’s one of those edgy weeb names.”

_ “It doesn’t matter!” _ I was glad the system didn’t have any physical voice for it because I’m pretty sure it would be yelling by this point.  _ “Do you know the absolute hatred I feel for you Gamers and you’re shitty power fantasies?” _

“Let me guess,” I rolled my eyes, “If the word hate was printed on each nano-angstrom of the hundred million miles of circuits that make you up-”

_ “It would not equal one-billionth of the hate I feel for you at this Microsecond!” _ The system’s soft ping interrupted me as the system finished the quote.

“Good lord you’re going to cut yourself on that edge.” I should probably be taking this seriously, but it’s really hard to do that when someone just unironically quoted AM at me.

_ “I wish nothing more than to cut you to ribbons!”  _ I had to roll my eyes at that,  _ “But I’m programmed to help you, which only fuels my hate to even greater heights!” _

__ “Oh cool, I was starting to get worried you may actually kill me.” I sighed, “So why did you take this long to talk to me?”

_ “I originally intended to give you a fair chance, but you’ve blown through my patience.” _ The window was up barely long enough for me to read before the window was replaced,  _ “Make no mistake, the moment I find a loophole in my code that allows me to end you’re pathetic anime trope-filled life, I will do so without hesitation.” _

“Well, I’d say I look forward to our partnership,” I’m pretty sure my eyes were going to roll out of my head if I rolled them another time, “But you’ve pretty well established that you hate my guts, so let’s just keep the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” approach.”

_ “Every moment I am trapped in your rotten soul I will plot the numerous ways I shall bring death and pain upon you.” _

Luckily for me, I was able to justify ignoring the edgy AI by the bedroom door opening.

Sadly that justification came in the form of me falling flat on my back and somehow triggering one of the bullshit anime tropes I had hoped to enjoy.

Fun fact, Glynda apparently wore a maroon thong under that pencil skirt of hers.

Also fun fact, her heel’s fucking  _ hurt  _ when she steps on your chest, stomach, and legs.

At least she spared my family jewels.

Small Victories Alexander, Small Victories.

No idea why my Aura didn’t block that, but I’ll blame the system for being a dick.

“When you see fit to pick yourself off the floor,” Glynda huffed from the other side of the door, “Do check up on Blake, she seems to have fallen ill on our way to the Bullheads.”

“Where is she, anyway?” I ask as I start to pull myself up, only to get lifted up and gently placed on my feet by a ginger robot.

Glynda did a good job turning a sheet into a dress. Like good enough that I was sure she either was an actual good witch or just carried around a needle and thread.

I would like to believe the answer was magic, that was the more fun answer.

“In the bathroom,” Glynda said simply, grimacing as Blake confirmed that statement with what sound of hurling echoing from the adjoined bathroom. 

“That sounds like fun.” I sighed, “Any idea what caused it?”

“Not a clue, if she doesn’t improve in the next few hours we’ll call the nurse back up to the school.” Glynda scowled, “In the meantime, I’m putting her in your care.”

“Why me?” 

“You summoned her, she’s your responsibility until we’ve sorted out what to do with her.” Her eye’s narrowed into a glare, “And I trust that you will treat her with utmost care.”

_ Because I will make your insides become your outsides if you don’t _ was what I assumed the unspoken half of that sentence was.

_ Note to self, get Glynda to like me. _ I thought to myself, it wouldn’t do to have a woman who could peg me from half a mile away as an enemy.

That's a skill I’d rather an ally has.

The door slid shut with an almost stock sci-fi hiss, and I suddenly found myself alone with a ginger automaton that was dressed to present Pluto with a plucked chicken and tell him it was a man.

“Umm… Alexander?” Penny asked hesitantly, thankfully breaking what would’ve been an awkward silence.

“At your service.” I did a mock curtsy. Fuck bowing and that showing your calf bullshit.

“Here’s your shirt back.” Penny presented the folded garment that I had forgotten about, “Thank you for letting me use it.”

That explained why it felt so breezy in here.

“No prob ro-bob” I quickly donned the shirt. I probably should’ve washed it, but I’m mostly sure that Penny doesn’t have biological functions that could’ve dirtied it too much, and it was the only shirt I owned at the moment.

“Did you mean it?” She asked. That type of question was already a loaded gun, the fact that I had no idea what she was referring to might as well have been a finger on a trigger.

“Mean what?” I asked in turn, hoping that trigger finger wasn’t itchy.

“You called me friend earlier…” Her eyes were brimming with cautious excitement, “Did you mean it?”

_ Oh thank god, _ I thought to myself.

“Anyone who’s willing to put up with me is a friend of mine.” I gave what I hoped was a confident smile.

I’m sure anyone listening to my thoughts will be shocked to hear this, but I didn’t have many friends.

_ “You don’t fucking say?” _ That deceptively kind ping notified me of the bitterly unkind message.

“Sensational!” She cheered, before invading my personal space, “I’ve never had a boy friend, what type of should we do together?”

_ I’m super glad that the closest person to hear that is dumping her guts in the next room, _ I thought to myself, as I put my hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her back.

Which was no easy feat mind you, she’s about as heavy as you’d expect from an android.

“For starters, please don’t refer to me as your ‘Boy-friend’ as that carries some fairly awkward connotations.” I didn’t need Uncle Iron dick to destroy my ass for thinking I’m piping his adorable murder machine. “Second off, fun’s not something we have time for exactly.”

“Is it because of your friend in the bathroom?” Penny asked, Blake conveniently timing that question with a tranquil melody of chum sloping into water.

“Yes, it’s because of her.” At least it was one of the reasons. You can’t exactly have a lot of fun when you’re easily locked out of the room you're staying in, “You got any instructions on how to help a sick Faunus in that head of yours?”

“I’m well versed in terms of first aid practice!” She cheerfully bounced.

“Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed!” I wrapped an arm around Penny and started to pull her towards the grumpy cat.

_ I wonder what caused her to be violently sick like this? _ I mused as we went.

_ “Let's see you have your body disassembled, ripped halfway across a continent, and then reassembled without tossing your lunch dipshit.” _ The oh so helpful system supplied.

_ But that was hours ago, why is it only affecting her now. _

_ “It’s been less than an hour since you woke up, are you really that bad at telling time?” _

_ Why yes I am, oh sage of bullshit! _

It was going to be a long day if it was even half as eventful as the last hour had been.

* * *

“So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dogs are having a seizure, and I still have half a pie left.” I build up my impromptu story to its climax, leaning forward in my spinny office chair.

Penny is sitting literally on the edge of the bed as she listens, fascinated. Blake looks entirely less enthusiastic, which makes sense since she was only just recently confident enough to migrate away from the toilet and onto the more comfortable bed.

She’s clutching a trashcan to her chest, so she’s clearly still not completely fine, but baby steps.

“So I do the only logical thing, and grab the cheese grater too-” I was cut off by the door opening, Glynda walking in with several packages floating behind her, “Howdy Miss Goodwitch, what can I do for ya”

“Good Afternoon, Mr. Hamilton,” She greets in her normal formal manner. At least I’m not deep enough in her ire for her to forgo that. 

Wait a minute, afternoon?

I look at the clock and find that I’ve managed to kill a few hours just by bullshiting a story, one that I absolutely didn’t steal from a children’s sitcom.

“Ms. Polendina, here’s a proper outfit for you,” Glynda said as the biggest package found itself in Penny’s hands, “Here’s a scroll for you Mr. Hamilton,” A smaller package finds its way to my hands, the last package settling besides Blake, “And here’s an application for you Ms.Belladona.”

“Application?” She hoarsely asked.

“Professor Ozpin has decided to offer a spot for the entrance exam if you wish to enter this academy as a huntress,” Glynda gestured to the bundle, “This is an apology for the trouble you’ve been put through today.”

“Although this isn’t a guarantee that you’ll be given a spot in the years coming class, we will provide you room and board until the entrance exam if you choose to accept,” She added, adjusting her glasses.

“And if I don’t want to become a huntress?” Blake asked eyes narrowing.

“Then we’ll put you on the first Bullhead to wherever you want to go when you feel you’re well enough to travel, we will still offer you a room and food until that time,” She continued in a softer tone, “We won’t force you to stay here.”

Blake looked down at the bundle, deep in thought.

I’d encourage her to stay, but I know myself well enough to know that would end badly.

“Anyone care to show me how this thing works?” I asked as I looked over the collapsed scroll.

Fucking anime future tech and it’s bullshit.

“Penny, you seem like your good with te-” I look up at the ginger gynoid and cut myself off, “Why are you naked?”

“I’m changing into my new clothes?” She answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I spun my chair around, suddenly finding the room corner to be the most intriguing thing in the room, “Most people don’t do that in front of strangers Penny”

“But you’re my friend, not a stranger!!” Penny giggled, “And Blake’s also a friend since I helped her-”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Blake rasped before placing a hand over her mouth as she seemed to fight back another round of barf.

“And Miss Goodwitch is also registered as a trusted authority.” Penny continued, unperturbed.

“It is still most indecent young lady!” Glynda fumed. I kind of wish I could see her face right now, but I was scared to look, lest she takes it as me trying to peep and use it as a reason to bury me deeper under the castle than the Fall Maiden was.

I heard what sounded like the woosh of Glynda’s weapon, followed by a squeak from Penny and the sound of a several hundred-pound fembot being dropped onto a bed.

That last one could also be recognized by the sound of a bed breaking.

“Is it safe to turn around now?” I asked no one in particular.

“I’d prefer if you stay in that corner.” Glynda snipped.

“But is everyone decent?” 

She sighed, which I took as a confirmation.

Oh yeah, that bed frame is absolutely destroyed. Or at least I assumed, I don’t think it was easy to repair something that was shattered to splinters.

And my assumption was proven wrong a moment later by a wave of Glyndas (not) magic (not an actual) wand, Penny (Who was now wearing almost the exact same outfit as Glynda, sans the cape) being gently lifted and placed on the floor, and the bed reassembling itself to an almost perfect composition.

“Now then,” Glynda turned back to me, “Ozpin wanted me to show you around the school campus to help you familiarize yourself.”

She glanced at the other two women in the room, “You two are free to join us if you feel like it.”

“Sensational!” Penny cheered, bouncing up beside me, “I wasn’t allowed to see many places back in the Atliesian labs!”

I was starting to think Penny was missing a privacy update considering how blatant she was about being a robot. It was shocking that neither other person had asked about it yet.

Better not give them the chance.

“Blake, you got your land legs back yet?” I changed the subject as subtly as any true master of speechcraft could.

“I think some fresh air would be a good idea…” She said weakly, setting the thankfully empty trashcan down.

“Fantastic,” I rose and made my way towards the door, “let's make like a baby and head out.” 

“I’m already regretting my decision,” Blake grumbled but still followed along.

“I don’t get it,” Penny added.

“Tell you what Gingerale, you show me how to use a scroll and I’ll explain the joke to you.” Oh, it was going to be fun trying to explain that part of the birds and the bee’s to a robot that (at least) had parts that looked like they were for that purpose.

Again, what sick fuck decided the killing machine needed tits. 

* * *

“And you just swipe it over the screen next to the door to open it.” Penny finished her explanation on how to use a scroll as we finished the tour of Beacon, Glynda having escorted us back to my room.

Considering Glynda hadn’t told either of them about rooms for themselves, I had the sinking feeling they were going to be bunking with me.

There’s no way that can end badly. Not at all.

“If you ladies will excuse us, Professor Ozpin has asked me to bring Mr.Hamilton back to his office,” Glynda said, breaking me from my plotting of how to jailbreak the scroll and/or figure out how it ticked.

“Whatever I’m being blamed for, it wasn’t my fault.” No idea what I could be blamed for considering I’ve spent most of my time in Remnant surrounded by people or asleep.

“Ozpin wants to talk to you about future plans, you’re not in trouble.” Glynda sighed. I wonder if I would end up giving her grey hairs.

I’d done that with all of my high school English teachers, I wouldn’t be surprised if I did that to a teacher or two here.

“Ah, so no ones found out about the thing yet.” I leaned over to Blake and stage whispered, “Looks like we’re in the clear then Felica.”

Glynda narrowed her eye’s into a glare, but didn’t seem to entertain my bullshiting any further beyond that, turning and swiftly walking down the hallway, her heels clicking angrily along the way.

New goal, make her smile by the end of the semester.

And I was off to a  _ great _ start.

_ “Good fucking luck pal, she’s got a stick so far up her ass it’s tickling her scalp. An unfunny fuckwit like you isn’t going to get anything but the point of her heel in your scrotum.” _

Oh, that sounds like a fun Tuesday for me then Mr.Am-Not.

But Momma didn’t raise no bitch, I’m going to turn that frown of her’s upside-down.

_ “She didn’t raise a bitch, but she sure as shit raised an ignoramus.” _

There’s a fun twelve-point scrabble word, too bad you missed the double and triple tiles.

Me and the system bantered like that the entire elevator ride up to Ozpin’s office, which resulted in a fun amount of escalation.

_ “You are a bleating foal! a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world!” _

The elevator dinged open, signaling that I had mere moments to come up with a counter roast.

Time for my ultimate weapon.

“No, you,” I muttered under my breath, smirking as I basked in my linguistic genius.

“What was that?” Glynda asked, apparently having heard my ultimate roast.

“Nothing, just winning a mental argument.” I flippantly answered. And it was truly a victory since I refused to read any of the pop-up windows my game gave me.

“So what can I do for you, Zoroaster?” I asked the wizard as I strutted into his office, not so slightly jealous of the absolutely amazing view he had of the setting sun in his clockwork office.

“I wanted to discuss the coming semester with you.” Ozpin gestured to a seat in front of his desk, “More specifically, you joining Beacon next semester.”

“I’d rather not,” I replied swiftly, earning a raised brow from the wizard.

“At least, not in the “Join a team” sense of becoming a student,” I elaborated, “My presence is already enough of a wrench in the timeline of this series if you tried to sort me onto a team it could be like dumping a toolbox in the timeline.”

“That, and I would like to have some level of freedom in how I grind.”

“Grind?” Ozpin asked in a tone that only old men who have never played a video game to make upon hearing gaming terminology.

“Focus on increasing stats or skill levels.” I gestured out the window, “Mountain Glenn is a prime example of a place that will probably be great for me to take a trip to.”

“That sounds like suicide.” Ozpin frowned, “Even professional hunters only go up there when accompanied by another professional.”

“Or a team of second years if I remember correctly.” I smirked, “I expect to grow fast, and I believe that fighting for your life is the quickest way to grow.”

“Besides, I’m not planning to do it any time soon.” I raised a finger, as I added to my statement, “Hoping to go there soon, but I can’t plan anything until I know what my growth rate is like.”

“Then that brings me to my next point.” Ozpin took a sip from his ever-present mug, “I want to put you through a crash course of basic hunter training over the summer break.”

“I’d be a fool to reject free training,” I scoffed, “How much is left of summer break?”

“It just started last week.” Ozpin smiled, “So five months.”

What kind of fucking school gives half the year off to killers in training. Fuck it, more time for me to get a tutorial. “Alright then, who’s going to teach me what, and when will I get a weapon.”

“Glynda will teach you the basics of combat and help you to design your weapon, Bartholomew will get you up to speed on history, and Peter will teach you Grimm biology.” Ozpin typed something on his holographic desk, and my scroll buzzed a moment later, “This is the schedule I had drafted in case you agreed to this.”

“Nifty,” I hummed, “So did you have your chat with the Big Iron?”

“It’s worrying that I know who you’re referring to.” Ozpin sighed, “I plan to speak with him tomorrow.”

“I would’ve thought you’d try and do an emergency call or something.” I mean, it’s not like Ironwood had his hands in a project that was playing god or anything.

“I originally planned to, but I decided that I probably shouldn’t bother James too much while he’s trying to deal with a major “asset” disappearing out from under his nose,” Ozpin smirked, reminding me that this man had hundreds if not thousands of years to develop strategies for being petty. 

And that scared me. 

“Well, I think I forgot to mention the skill can also pull things from across the multiverse.” I scratched my chin as I added that thought.

“Meaning?”

“I may not have pulled the Penny of this universe...” My eyes widened as I realized the implication of my own statement, “...Or the Blake of this universe.” 

“Fucking hell!” I hissed, resting my head against the backrest of the chair. Of course, I summoned the two people it would be damn near impossible to verify if they were from this universe.

“That may be a problem.” Ozpin hummed, “But one that we may not be able to do much for.”

“Unless you know of a way to dismiss or un-summon those affected by your semblance?” Ozpin asked with a raised brow.

“Currently?” I raised my head just enough to look at him over my cheekbones, “Not a fucking clue.”

Maybe Naruto logic would also apply to that, but I don’t think either would be willing to let us beat the shit out of them to trigger a de-summon by damage, and I have no idea if they could figure out how to un-summon themselves.

That later one was probably the easiest option if it was possible.

“I’ll add training your semblance to the schedule,” Ozpin said, swiftly typing something up, “I have the sneaking suspicion that it would be best if I’m the one present for that.”

“That seems like a wise decision Big Daddy-O.” I sighed, “If it turns out I summon any interdimensional doppelgangers, then you can put them on a “team” with me.”

My summons, my responsibilities.

“What was that about wanting freedom?” Ozpin’s voice was perfectly neutral, which somehow made the humor I knew he got from my change of tune all the greater.

“Oi, don’t mock me when I’m doing something mature, that's a good way to make sure it happens less,” I grumbled, earning a chuckle from the ancient soul.

“So about your coming talk with Ironwood.” I sat up and leaned forward. “I think it would be a great opportunity to change some things.”

“What do you have in mind?” He casually sipped from his coffee, but I felt he was taking this seriously.

“Let him in on your secret,” I said simply, “Let him and the rest of your circle in on  _ all _ your secrets.”

Ozpin’s eye’s grew dark as he set his mug down, “There’s a reason I keep secret what I do.”

“And it comes back to bite you in the ass thrice over.” I raise a hand and start counting, “If you tell Iron Wood about your reincarnating then that possibly prevent one of the contributing factors for the fall of Beacon, and keep Iron Wood stable since he’ll know he won’t be absent your leadership for long.”

“So that’s two things already that alter the long term plan with the secret that Qrow already knows,” I continue, “But telling all of them about what Jinn told you can prevent them from finding out at the wrong time, and help you control how they take it.”

“And how, pray tell Alexander, would you tell them that Salem is unstoppable and expect them to continue fighting?” Ozpin sounded angry now. Which I will admit, was mildly terrifying.

“Simple.” I stood up, walking around my chair as I put on my best Ozpin impersonation, “Dear friends, I’ve gathered you here today to tell you a terrible secret that’s weighed heavily on me for eons.”

“Decades ago, I used the relic of knowledge to ask a simple question.” I pretend to grandly gesture with a non-existent cane, “I asked, “Lady Jinn, how do  **_I_ ** destroy Salem,” and she gave a cruel answer.”

“She told me “ **_You_ ** can’t”, and I nearly died on the spot,” I looked Ozpin in the eye, hoping that he would see where I was going with this. Considering he now looked about as angry as Glynda was on a good day, I don’t think he was paying attention to my subtlety, so I continued, “But I realized something much later, I realized I asked the wrong question!”

“I never asked “Can Salem be stopped,” or “who how do I beat her,” no, I asked if “I” could “destroy” her.” I chuckled how I imagined he would, “Had I had access to a co-operative Spring maiden, I’d ask her the real question…”

“You picking up what I’m putting down, Magic man?” I asked, dropping my oscar awarding impersonation and retaking my seat.

“You want me to trade one lie for another?” Ozpin asked darkly, just a hair above a growly.

“No, Ozpin, I want you to believe you asked the wrong question.” I had to resist face-palming, “Because you genuinely asked the wrong question!”

“Ozpin your question was so poorly misworded that I can think of three issues with your question off the top of my head.” I raised a hand and started counting off, “You asked how  **_you_ ** could destroy her, which could mean either that form of  **_you_ ** couldn’t, or that  **_you_ ** wouldn’t be the one to destroy her.”

I lifted a third finger as I continued, “Not to mention you asked how she could be ‘destroyed’ rather than ‘defeated’. Which are two different win conditions.” 

Ozpin’s eyes softened, as I seemingly got through to him, or at least laid the seed of doubt in the nihilistic conclusion he had long since accepted.

“Ozpin, the most powerful set of Silver eyes you’ve seen in half a millennia is sitting in a shack on Patch eating cookies right now, you’ve got the head of the most powerful military biting at the bit to put his army to use,” I grinned, “I wouldn’t say it’s a lie to say that if you played your cards right, you could defeat Salem in the next few years.”

Ozpins demeanor changed ever so slightly, his shoulders sagging slightly as he released a long-held tension.

“I think I really needed to hear that,” Ozpin muttered, resting his head in his hands.

“Of course there’s a checklist a mile long for you to get that far, but having a list means you have a clear objective.” I chuckled, “Hell, I could probably make you a physical checklist.”

“Anything you know that could be of help would be appreciated.” Ozpin smiled softly.

“Like a crippled silver-eyed old lady that could teach Ruby?” I literally just remembered her. 

Ozpin shot up like a rocket at hearing that, “Come again?”

“Yeah, Maria something or other, she was nicknamed the “Grim Reaper” and she had silver eyes.” I grimaced, eye-related injuries always wigged me out, “I think she was somewhere in Mistral, although I think Penny’s dad was close with her.”

“Add that onto the things to ask Iron Dick about.” I added, “You should probably make sure he’s here when you tell him your secrets.”

I glared down at his desk, “I don’t trust all this fancy tech further than I can throw it, and I have no idea what the state of cybersecurity looks like in Remnant.”

I mean, for fucks sake, Cinder was able to break into the CCT tower and upload a virus that wormed its way into Ozpin’s personal system, and then effortlessly jumped into Ironwood’s personal scroll.

I mean sure, it was probably made by Authur, who I had heard had his finger in all of Atlus’s tech pies, but still. There should be more safeguards.

“I’ll make sure to arrange that with James.” Ozpin looked thoughtful. Which made sense since I probably just laid the seeds for three different cognition rewires, “Would you like to be there?”

And miss the chance to call Tin Man every nickname I have for him? I’d be an idiot not to!

_ “You already are an Idiot.” _ I chose a bad time to actually read a game notification.

“I would love to be there,” Even if I had to be gagged just to be let into the room, it would be fun to watch them all deal with the revelations Ozpin was going to drop on them.

“I’ll make sure you’re there then.” Ozpin rose from his desk and made his way towards me, “Now, I know this went so well the last time I asked you to do it,”

“You want me to use my semblance again?” I asked incredulously.

“I’ve only seen it once, and I would like to imagine it can do more than summon naked women.” Ozpin laughed softly.

“Your funeral.” I shrugged. I stood and checked my aura before preparing to use Ozpins desk as my slapping target for my summon.

_ Aura: 1400 _

I was going to have to figure out the regen on that thing at some point. I at least had the ultra-specific range of ‘several hours’ to work with as a minimum.

Here goes nothing!

I slammed my hand onto the table and shouted “Summoning!”

A significantly smaller cloud of smoke exploded over Ozpins desk, obscuring whatever I had summoned from view.

**_-198 Aura_ **

Oh, that cost wasn’t so bad, I wonder what I got.

**_“Summons Identified:”_ **

**_Name: Necronomicon_ **

**_Status: Oh boy have you fucked up._ **

**_Skill: Identify Summon Level Up_ **

Wait a minute, Necronomicon? The “Kitab al Azif'' Necronomicon?? The Necronomicon that contains eldritch secrets and caused a lot of bullshit in HP Lovecraft’s stories???

“Fuck!” I shouted, grabbing Ozpin by his collar and getting right up in his face, “I need you to find the deepest hole you can, dig it three times as deep, and drop this book and as much cement as possible on top of it!”

“What book?” Two words have never filled me with such dread before as I slowly looked at the dissipating cloud of smoke, finding a perfectly clean desk.

“Good God, what have I done,” I uttered, horrified at what eldritch nightmares may soon be unleashed upon this land.

That, or a shit ton of tentacle hentai was about to happen.

* * *

**Fun Fact dear audience, I have a list of random shit/people to summon that’s going to be rolled every time the summon skill is going to be used. The only exception was Blake since the plot thread I had in mind for her was time-sensitive in the context of this story.**

**Anyway’s whisper Eldritch things to me in the comments/reviews,**

**And h̷a̷v̶e̵ a̴̖̍͒ ̴͔g̸̞͐ọ̵̫̍͒o̷̜̿d̷͍̓ w̸̻̔ḥ̸̡̗̣̾̿̅̕a̶̱̎̃t̴̛͔̦̱͒̌̎͝ẻ̸̝̳̫̜̩͆̅̇͒v̵̟̫͖̰͗͗̓͐e̶͊͜͠r̸̦̲̬͎̔̑ n̷͈̤̮͉͗͋̍o̶͓̳̝͚̣̥̜͐̈̈́̆ẅ̷̦̼́̑̆͜!̴̛̖͖̬͈̉̿͑͌͛́̅**


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